My granddaughter, Merritt Miles, at five years, was the inspiration for, 8 Keys to Lasting Love. While reading her a story I was very disturbed by what I was to tell her when I read: "And they lived happily ever." So, I took the liberty of changing the final "They started the task of creating a very good marriage." Merritt did not want to think, like many of my clients were, that marriage was so simple that it just happened magically and couples lived happily every after. Such as marriage and family therapist for thirty years, I saw the pain of people after the honeymoon is over when you awaken realization have married a mortal. I hope my granddaughter, who enter adulthood, it will avoid the pitfalls and pain of those who succumb to this "happily ever after" myth.
1. Stop guilt. Starting life. And 'our responsibility, not our partner, to feel better and heal. Our partners will be responsible to us, but not for us. So it is useful, instead of blaming our partners, to ask these questions, "Why did I draw this person into my life?" And "What Is that I need to learn from this experience?" Within a good marriage, we grow up.
2. Avoid syndrome fixer-upper. We think we can solve our partners and form in their perfection. Our version of perfection. So many people marry for potential. Never marry potential. Marry for safety, security between two people who accept each other faults and all.
3. Making a promise to keep our integrity. Do not withhold victim hood as a prize. This does not allow us to grow. The work on behaviors that make our partners want to change to be kind and loving. Vent our feelings without being out of control. If we are in a relationship that has mutual respect, over time we may need professional help. Preferably, we would seek that help with our partners.
4. Delete attack thoughts. These types of thoughts are incredibly destructive over time. If we attack others, ourselves and our thoughts, which interferes with our own happiness and peace of mind. Learn to find joy even in difficult times. As Mother Teresa once said: "Our best protection is a joyful heart."
5. Do not hold anger. Holding anger is like drinking poison and waiting for someone to die. attack thoughts turn into constructive thoughts and actions. Think thoughts that are grateful for ourselves and our partners. And to express these thoughts often. When building an emotional bank account full of positive thoughts, we have positive emotional currency to counter with angry moments come.
6. Wake up, no makeup. The soap opera that I have seen women wake up first thing in the morning, with all their makeup, false eyelashes and all. This is not the real world. What we do for a successful marriage is learning to be more real. What we do for a successful marriage is learning to feel more secure to be who we really are.
7. Wake up and makeup. It 'important that couples learn to repair and heal after each fight. Finding solutions. Does not stop rehashing the past. I live in the present, and find ways to keep the marriage alive and vibrant. Happy couples learn to repair their differences.
8. To change our relationship, the place to start is by changing ourselves first. Better to reinvent ourselves, why not be able to change our partner. Learning to love in a mature way, without trying to control or manipulate. CS Lewis once said: "To love without control or manipulation should be surprised by joy." There will really be surprised by joy when we can live in the moment with our partners. And inside of us.
Copyright 2005 Linda Miles Ph.D
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