While Internet dating sites promise to help find a person "compatible", our intuition, and a look around confirms that the married people we know what usually happens is that "opposites attract."
Naturally it is important how you define "compatible", and researchers and theorists are pursuing. We constantly study of attraction and romance, because those who marry may be the most important decision you make in your life, and the divorce rate in the United States right now is 50% for first marriages, 60% for second marriages and 70% for third marriages. The number of single adults increases every year, when we know that marriage is beneficial to our health, and isolation is more harmful than obesity, hypertension and smoking ... combined. (And a roommate does not count.)
What does "compatible. And 'physical attraction to be similar in terms of energy, intelligence, age, socio-economic status, occupation, sexual desire, values, temperament, Keirsey type? Possess the same type of dog? Ask three different people and get three different answers, but why bother? We all know people mis-matched on any or all of the above who are happily married.
It defies logic.
I know two married couples where the man is 23 years older than the woman. Just a couple split up, married four years, divided by 2. B couple just celebrated their 10th anniversary, and are referred to as "a marriage made in heaven."
One thing is certain: we know when we get married to be compatible because we are planning to live together forever. We are confident of this because the hormones that fall in love have done their work, which is to make us feel this way.
When we fall in love we fly on a number of "details" and this is the way it is supposed to be. We focus on the similarities and all the good points, enlarged them and glorify them. We can not believe our luck in finding someone who is absolutely perfect for us.
We fall in love with someone, but we also love to traits that are "balancing." Neil is serious, organized and discreet and loves Martha is a spontaneous free spirit. Sarah is tough, hard-driven and Achiever loves that Jose is a laid-back, compassionate people-person. Tony and Anna are two romantic, doctors left-brain, but Tony is an extrovert, with a large extended family that gets along great, Anna, the introverted, did not, and she loves that about him.
So we get married, sure of our choice, and what happens 2, 3 years later? There are arguments that it is quite clear that we see things from very different point-of view, and suddenly focusing on a trait of our partners, the negative label, and this then spread to encompass the whole person. Push to go silly, we conclude that are not compatible, after all, we married the wrong person, and we retire in a divorce emotional, if not legal.
This is because it is a good reason to get married when you're ready to love, not when you're in love. When those strong chemical bond-first start to wane, Katy-bar-the-door.
Generally, small differences on points that hide deep-rooted convictions, like what he would have behaved as if he really loved you, what a responsible wife would fix for dinner, like a husband should make love, and that work a married woman should have.
Take Neil and Martha. Neil likes things organized, and Martha, free spirit who is as good as you think 2:30 is 2:00 or even 3:00. After she showed up late a few times, Neil decides she is "irresponsible" despite the fact that you are responsible for anyone's definition, about children, his work, and even the car. It does not matter to Neil. His definition of "responsible" and "suitable wife" understands that he must be on time. Locks into position.
At the same time, notices that Martha started collecting on her about punctuality, and this is depressing you, Because your definition of "a good husband" is "someone who loves me just the way I am", and she "hates nit-pickers." Martha quickly decides that Neil, a good breadwinner, a patient father, and a satisfying lover, not a suitable husband.
Getting along is not about compatibility, it's learning to get along, and you learn by doing it. Actually, it was said, that's where our worlds overlap, an area sometimes alarmingly small, But if you must be right, instead of in the report, you will be right and just.
My mother always told me when I was in this way: "Do not throw out the baby with the bathwater."
The quality of mercy is not strained and in the realm of non-lethal defects that we all have, it's best to stay focused on good, and the overall picture. When we zero in a negative thing, it assumes a life of its own, and "I prefer it if he put the toilet paper so that it rolls down, not up," turns into "I can not live with someone who has inconsiderate and selfish and I'm out of here ", or" throwing the baby out with the bathwater. "
The irony is that what you loved most in him ', the thing that attracted you to him first will be the thing that guides you NUTS 3 years later. Why? I do not know why. You tell me.
I only know what is sad to hear someone say: "She was sweet, and good boys, but, God love her, she could not have organized" or "It was a good provider, and faithful, but kept the cans of soup literacy in the pantry. "
When I'm not aware of the symbolic significance of these crimes, and the tremendous emotional investment individuals have put into this quiz, is incomprehensible. As one who likes to push a absurdo argument, I think to myself, would rather have a serial killer who did not alphabetize the soup cans, or if it had been neglected and average children, but it was very Organized he would be happy?
Or, we clearly can not tell the whole story. Can?
I like when I hear someone say, when the stories of war from the beginning, "Yes, my ex wore white socks to work but that is not divorced him," because I like to think that helps raise consciousness.
People learn, sometimes, unfortunately. We read on the Internet dating sites that have thrown the baby out with the bathwater, "I learned that no matter how you roll the toothpaste tube," and "life is too short to be upset over what color the walls of stay are. "
Falling in love is the easiest thing in the world. Learning to love when you do not love most, is where the rubber hits the road. If you're lucky, you have a lot of time, and only the right person to carry on - that "active, athletic hunk" You're married now "does not care about anything but golf," and that "strong, bright lady "Are you married, who" thinks he knows everything and tries to tell me what to do. "
Go for it!
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