Mandy and Evan consulted me for advice a couple because they were always arguing. Every little thing seemed to become an issue between them. They loved each other very much, but the dispute was certainly not get in the way of enjoying each other.
I ask Mandy and Evan to present some recent conflicts so I could experience what was happening between them. They had conflicts over time, money, parenting, family and business. The dynamic between them was the same no matter what the problem: one of them would complain about something - like the house is messy or the other person is not on time, and one would argue, explain and defend. Then we went back and forth, each defending and explaining their position. Neither heard the other or even seemed to care about other people's feelings or position. They all get locked in their positions, seeing themselves as right and trying to convince the other person to see their way. They had what I call a "control-resist system.
In this system, a person approaches the other with the intention to win, to be right - to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into resistance. You are trying to win and the other trying not to lose. You are trying to be right and the other trying not to make mistakes. As long as their intentions were to control and not be controlled, have been blocked. They had no way to reach resolution on any of their problems.
While Mandy and Evan loved, care was not a part of this system. As soon as a problem came up, stopped caring for themselves and others. They were so intent on winning or losing does not care that went out the window.
"At any moment," I told them: "there is a view to control or intention to learn. The problem is that both immediately choose the intent to control, which will always result in bickering. Mandy, I'd like you to try right now to listen to Evan's concerns about the mess in the house. See if you can find a place to take care of her feelings. See if you can really hear and see through his eyes. Then I will do the same for you. "
As Mandy Evan really listened with care and desire to learn, he began to understand his frustration. For the first time, Evan felt really felt about the issue. Then Evan really listened to Mandy, trying to see things through his experience. They found that as each began to understand others feelings and experiences, new ideas came to solve the problem.
Being in the intent to learn is about learning rather than solve problems. Resolution may be the result or not, but the new learning will inevitably lead to positive change.
Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing oneself. They fear that if you hear the other person, appear to be weak and will have benefited. But the intent to learn is not just listening to each other - they are also listening to yourself and learn to live in your truth without imposing on another. If you take care of you and on both the other person, then it will eventually lose themselves in the conflict.
The intent to learn is about being in compassion for both yourself and your partner. When care and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a way for both to win.
time next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself: "I'm trying to control or am I willing to learn?" Even if your partner still groped to control when you move to learning compassion, you will find new inner strength, strength and wisdom that is much more satisfying than winning or losing. You will be able to go beyond the bickering as one learns to listen while standing firmly in your truth.
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